DIVORCED LIFE COACH RECOMMENDS ALTERNATIVE RESOLUTION: BE COMPLACENT
LONDON, ENGLAND—When Hugh Kiers, a professional life coach, watched the ball drop from his parent’s basement a couple days ago, he hadn’t the faintest what to tell every one of his clients when they came to him about resolutions.
“They would ask me, ‘How do I feel good about 2025?’ and I frankly didn’t know what to tell them,” said Hugh. “I’m still trying to figure out how to feel good about 2005.”
For most, 2005 was known for the wrath of Hurricane Katrina, the invention of YouTube and the equally turbulent virality of Tom Cruise disrespecting Oprah’s furniture. But for Hugh, it was the year he had married his wife, Ida Ethan Kyer—no relation, just happenstance.
“It was the happiest I’d ever been,” he said folding socks. Hugh has made it known folding socks is currently the happiest he could be, given that it provides him solitude in the aftermath of his divorce’s finalization.
“These days, it makes sense to just look inwards and realize all this world will ever do is disappoint you.” I believe that’s what he said but at this point in the conversation, he just sat in front of a corner of the room and rested his head on the two walls as we spoke. “I didn’t think being single again would give me such a stiff threesome with plywood.”
He’s made a killing off this living.
In his previous life course, All Good Things Come To All Good People, Hugh had coached his students through three basic steps:
- Anticipate the World knows what you’re going through.
- Ask People for favors until they overcompensate.
- Use ketchup on rice.
“That last one develops a certain French sentiment in people that gets them to help you,” Hugh assured me, when I appeared quizzical. “What do they call it? Quel dommage? I think that means ‘cool, don’t mention it.’ I’m sure it does.”
All in order to recieve… well, do I have to say it?
“Basically, the concept I would teach my clients was that if you have benevolent thoughts about how the world should respect you, then only good gifts would come your way. And yes, there is such a thing as a bad gift.” Hugh sighed as he rummaged in a drawer to pull out a whiskey cigar glass cup holder. “Even if I wanted to, there’s no way I could masturbate with this. Too big a diameter.”
Hugh tells me this, but based on the stringy blond hairs at the base, I’m certain he’s tried.
Hugh continued about how he once convinced a man to leave his job and live in the mountains. “And technically he still does! It’s just that he went on a killing spree in the Swiss Alps and just happened to get shipped to an insane asylum, right on the tallest peak. Don’t worry, we still talk.” Hugh reaffirms me.
So where does the road lead Hugh? And who will believe his next big idea?
“Since my wife left me for the aforementioned client, who also happens to be an insane killer now apparently, my whole thing has just been to be okay… be okay with the baloney sandwiches,” Hugh said as he closed the door on me. “Even now, when you’re kicking me out of my own parents house. It’s OK. I can be OK with that. There is a silver lining. I’ll be complacent.”
Let the record show. He closed the door on me as he ran off into the streets, wearing only his pajamas, carrying the backpack and speed running the Duolingo course for German.
Something tells me he’s heading to the Alps.
In other news, his parents were super normal and gave me some normal soup. So I think. Getting dizzy.
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