MISSOURI MAN INVENTS TIME TRAVEL: ‘SECS SUCKUR’
In the state of Missouri, there’s plenty of useful things to do. You can check out the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, go to the zoo, check out a scavenger hunt led by zombies and even watch the Haygoods! Whoever they are!
One interesting factoid is how there’s an actual man who thinks he’s invented time-travel. Except, it may have been with a stranger intention.
Mikael Guerra, a relatively dumb hick—but smart by the conventional sort of that era—has found out that the secret to time travel is just sticking a finger up your butthole and shoot yourself in the foot.
Literally. With a twelve-gauge. Now do you think Missouri is weirder than Florida?
Not everyone subscribes to this type of double-dose-of-masochism manuever from missouri, however.
“I can understand a little butt play,” said longtime friend Drew O’Cleary. “But to bring a shotgun and do away with three of your little piggies? No one’s feet are that unvaluable. That’s how I make most of my money.”
One could be as quick to believe that Mr. Guerra’s experiences aren’t nearly as lucky. After experiencing a failed film career, Guerra had no choice but to turn to OnlyFans to make money off of his tiny, feminine cuticles. But much to his surprise, the digits have minds of their own. And so, whenever a camera is presented in front of them, they get a little camera-shy and shrivel up to the size of dehydrated grapes.
“I figure this is just karma. One time, way back in high school, I used to be the talk of the town. Everyone loved working with me.” Mikael says now, in a sad stance in his old TV Production studio. It’s been uninspired since he started teaching there. “And one day, I decided to take this dude’s girl from him, so I became friends with the guy, very close-like. And then… He told me a secret, I swore to keep. He mentioned how he actually masturbated to the thoughts about his crush. And right away, I walked over to his crush at the time, unbeknownst to him, and communicated this to her so that she would leave him and have me to comfort her own broken heart.”
Mikael Guerra goes on to explain how he regrets this decision in the long-run. As it would ruin his chances of being a serious talent in the world of filmmaking.
Hence, why he calls it “secs suckur.”
“That way, you can suck away the seconds that pass by. Kinda like every bad time I’ve had in bed. Which has only been once, by myself.” affirms Guerra. Let it be clear that he has lost ability on how to spell from the amount of times he’s been crying himself to sleep, while jerking off.
And that’s about the last we’ve seen of him. Never to hear from the absolute ne’er-do-well again. Who knows how many more lives he’s ruining in the process of living out his “glory days”? I sure don’t.
It’s just as MF DOOM said, “Never let your so-called mans know your plans.”
